The Life and Times of Joe McSleazy:
What Kind of Character is He? American Hero, Visionary, or Just a Huckster?
You all know the type. Wicked smart and clever, sometimes too clever for his own good. He always has an angle on everything – how to get ahead in life, how to make tons of money, always ahead of the game. But he also seems to have a wicked streak – wants to manipulate people just for the pleasure of watching the puppets dance. Kind of like the guy who controls the marionettes on television.
Well, that describes Joe McSleazy perfectly. Never heard of him? I guess that’s the idea. That’s why the National Security Agency (the famous “NSA”) seems to be so infatuated with him. They think he can accomplish anything, anytime, and on a shoe-string budget. In fact, most of the budget seems to be spent on McSleazy himself. He always turns a profit – even when a project would be expected to cost a fortune!
Pokeman Go has certainly been in the news in 2016. It has been on the front page of nearly every major newspaper around the globe. You know the game that has hundreds of people rushing into a park to catch a Charizard.
Millions of people are having a great time collecting Pokeman and there is thought that the physical activity associated with rushing around town and finding virtual rewards can be important. From medical associations to diabetes support group, multiple health maintenance organizations continue to believe that increased physical activity by Americans will lead to longer lives and fewer heart attacks.
Let’s meet Joseph McSleazy in the upcoming video – but first, we need a few words of introduction to his side-kick Diego and you have to know something about the NSA.
Tyler Diego is the Director of the National Security Agency. He is apparently known internally as “the Spaniard” due to his frequent travels and wanderings in the Iberian Peninsula. He burst into national prominence in the mathematical and technology communities with his elegant number theory proof of “Diego’s Theorem” in which he demonstrated that there are no prime numbers which are also perfect squares. In any case, following a set of subpoenas that involved both him and Joe McSleazy, damning video evidence has been produced of Diego instructing McSleazy to gather information on American citizens. As stated in the video, “The NSA works my way.” McSleazy is seen in the video clip listening attentively to all his instructions and then makes some awkward claim saying that this will “all be fun” to do, as though the entire enterprise were just fun and games. Watch the shocking video we captured of the NSA Director instructing Joe McSleazy to spy on American citizens.
So, what happened next? How did McSleazy pull of the most amazing feat of espionage in the history of the United States? Or even in the world? Let’s learn more about that.
Remarkably, an entire telephone conversation between McSleazy and a 17 year old programmer from Nintendo has been turned over to authorities for evaluation. Nintendo is claiming that the Pokemon Go! game could only be programmed by kids less than 18 years old, as is the case with the current successful version, and that minor children living in Japan are not subject to international laws, extradition, or criminal proceedings. In addition, the Japanese Prime Minister was quoted as saying, “you have to be kidding me, Pokemon Go! Is just a children’s game.” With respect to McSleazy, he just shrugs his shoulders and appears completely at ease in the face of withering attacks from his critics. His usual retort is, “Just try Pokemon Go! It’s really a fun game and you’ll just love it!” He has also be extensively touting the health benefits of physical activity and the social aspects of the game. Listen to the shocking conversation between the Director of Nintendo and McSleazy.
Interestingly, McSleazy has become one of America’s most wanted “persons of interest” in this entire affair and wanted posters have been displayed at museums, restaurants, and tourist attractions around the country. Clearly hiding in plain site, McSleazy lists his address and phone number on his Facebook page, with a comment stating, “Social is Good!”
Still, there are concerns among privacy groups. Some people do not believe that Americans should disclose their locations, habits, favorite websites, email addresses and other personal information to Pokeman Go and its associates. Apple Computer, ever the privacy leaders, assure its users that information on the IPhone is private, but they willingly admit that apps that collect information may pass it to others via web-based servers. McSleazy has specifically denied that he personally has read everyone’s data. He has stated, “no one could possibly read the hundreds of millions of data entries that Pokeman Go collects daily.” He has referred all questions of data analysis on to the National Security Agency, which he assures us is working to keep America safe and secure for the future. The Mugshots of McSleazy were given to us through a private source.
You may be wondering what ever happened to the main character and hero of our story, Joe McSleazy. Funny you should ask.
The Supreme Court, in a unanimous ruling, found him NOT GUILTY of any charge. The Justices stated that Americans have a right to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” In an unusual twist, the Justices ruled that pursuit of Pokeman was in the category of “pursuit of happiness” and therefore protected by the US Constitution. After that, Joe McSleazy became a bit of a counter-culture hero. He traveled a lot and was interviewed by lots of important people. Everyone wanted to know how he did it! Finally, 60 Minutes was granted special permission to speak with McSleazy and found out what exactly went on in the NSA. Watch it below:
So Joe McSleazy is now pursuing his own happiness by chasing Pokeman on the most beautiful beaches in the world. See the slide below for some examples of the great venues that Joe McSleazy now visits.
As for Tyler Diego – he was also acquitted of all charges and plans to pursue further studies in Mathematics and Number Theory at the University of Mary Washington. I heard he likes to swim too…